Do you know that feeling when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night, totally exhausted and desperate for sleep, but your mind is racing out of control? Sometimes it feels like a bag of bricks is sitting on your chest and you can't seem to get a full breath. Heart pounding, soul wrestling, body aching and mind whirling. It's amazing how much agony a struggling soul can cause on the inside while the outside looks just fine. My husband, sound asleep next to me, has no idea that I am being kept awake by this flood of grief and guilt and worry.
I worry about my kids. I grieve over what I have lost and what will never be. Guilt is probably the worst because it just eats away at you; constantly gnawing and nagging. So many mistakes. So many wrong turns. So many times when I was more than capable and yet chose to do nothing. Maybe if I worked harder or if I took a different path things would be better. Should I keep fighting so hard? Is it worth it?
"I remember my affliction and my wanderings, the guilt, grief, bitterness and shame. My soul well remembers them and is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him." (Lamentations 3:19-25)
Guilt, grief, shame and worry are not of God and he does not want his children to be kept awake at night by them. Come out of sadness, come broken and bleeding, come from wherever you've been, come as you are and lay your burdens at the throne of God.
I'm working on memorizing this statement below so that when I have these times where life seems so out of control to the point of agony, I will be armed with the truth of who I am and who I belong too.